Updated: Oct 30, 2020
I've kind of been on it from both sides to be fair, I dealt with Mental health personally, also I worked in a secure facility so I was able to see both sides. I found it ironic that I ended up in a position with people who are suffering from Mental health issues. Because it wasn't too long before that I could have quite easily ended up in that position myself.
My first issues that came up with me with regards to my Mental health was with anxiety and through my anxieties dealing with different pressures in life which lead me into a depression and upon reflection i've come to realise that me being depressed came down to me not living my truth and trying to do what I thought was expected of me and I think it's having the anxiety of being either frowned down upon or being rejected or worried about disappointing people I care about.
Anxiety comes in different ways for me sometimes it could be that I'm greatly overthinking a situation and I will play out before I have a conversation with someone because I already have an understanding of who or how they are as a person. It pushes me in the direction where I kind of jump to my own conclusions about how somethings going to turn out. Anxiety made me look for worse case scenarios. There's other times I've had anxiety and it's turned out into full blown panic attacks. It's just a whole build up of my life situations. There's other times when I've broken out into rashes on my arms or even feeling nauseous and not being able to keep food down. For me one of my main triggers is confrontation. With people I care about. Now I work on navigating through life and trying to keep the peace. You know when you leave a lid on a pot of boiling water and it just bubbles up and spills everywhere I try to keep myself from having those.
I think alot of this comes down to relationships. I've had two very serious relationships. just dealing with that really and wanting it to work so much where you put yourself in a position where you end up sacrificing yourself.
I started experiencing anxiety from when I was growing up. It was a very loving household but it was also a very angry household. I had good memories I won't negate that but I also had traumatic experiences. The way we were disciplined was quite physical. It kind of started from then. Those were my first experiences of confrontation. The more aware of yourself you are the better you can deal with your emotions.
My anxieties then developed into a depression. Jim Carey describes depression as a 'deep rest' where your cup is always full. I began to try to numb these feelings, this got me into like drinking and stuff like that, which is still something I deal with sometimes, but I don't abuse alcohol as much as I used to I can drink to enjoy now.
I worked in a secure mental hospital, I worked there for like 7 years. Through working there I learn't from different service user groups. I worked with old people, young people, men and women. Through all of those different arenas I was to gain a different understanding and perspective. I was able to understand that some people will never be capable of being what society expects of them.
There was one specific thing that happened there when I was 19. I just found myself breaking down into tears for 2 hours straight. I couldn't stop crying. It was a build up of everything. I wasn't working at the time. I was with the mother of my two eldest children. I was at home everyday. The pressures of being at home. Not having any money and having mouths to feed. Luckily for me my partner at the time decided to call my family. I was lucky to have them rally around me to help me feel better. Something simple like going for a walk everyday to get out the house. Getting a haircut. I did recognise it as depression as I was in it, I did end up having suicidal thoughts, I did attempt it a few times. Done all the self harm stuff. It was a really deep, bad time. I ended up being on Citalipram which is an anti- depressant, that didn't necessarily work so you go on the other things like Sertralin, fluoxetine. For me personally medication doesn't work. It is a good way to stabilise I felt like for me I became flat lined.
This for me is where music came in for me. I used writing a form of therapy. By sharing it with people I was able to share my thoughts and feelings. It was like a validation thing, alot of people go through that validation process. It's only been the last few years I've been able to find value in things, including myself.
I started with poetry. I was also into reading and writing, like English and Anthologies. But for me it was really through Grime where I was able to express myself in a different way. And usually the content is quite street orientated, whether it be hustling or violence or the ego conversation. But I found myself writing more about my view.
'Mixing alcohol and prescriptions with medication' was written in internal affairs. This was referring to a time specifically where what happened to me I suffered from a back injury. I was prescribed Diazepam at the time I was also prescribed Zopiclone. I was staggering them and then I started taking them together. Then when that ran out, I didn't want to go back to the doctors, I don't really like the doctors, I talk to a friend of mine who was able to get these pills, don't try this its very dangerous; like when rappers talk about using these drugs for recreational use I was able to acquire these. If not used properly at the time these can be quite dangerous.
It was a form of escapism. I suppose thats why alot of people turn to drug abuse or alcoholism as it is a form of escapism. People do it in their day to day life, you know, they'll come home and have a glass of wine to destress, it's just those people who do it in excess.
People was always a form of escapism. Whether it's a friend, bonding with. Even down to women aswell and not necessarily the sex of it. Sometimes it would be down to that because that's the positive release. Sometimes that feeling of intimacy and of love, of feeling accepted.
Once you are on your road to recovery every day is recovery. You will never be cured as you are still in your thoughts and in your mind. The only thing is you have come to terms with your demons and you are able to manouevre with them in a way that is no longer destructive to you. That's why 'calculating the If's' my E.P speaks about all of this.
The song Internal affairs' is pretty much the beginning of my journey. I've been told by people that it is very honest. I'm thankful that I'm able to help people think in a different way.
I think the hardest part of recovery is taking the advice you give to people. This is in 'Internal Affairs'. This is why I called the E.P 'Calculating the if's is because that is the style of my thought process. The way I think the way I do.
Music is a form of escapism. The joys you find in creating much more outweighs the numbing of the destructive ways. I'm very grateful and appreciative of the people around me who allow me to express myself. One thing that also has helped is expressing gratitude. So like 'I'm so thankful that I opened eyes this morning, I'm so thankful that I am able to breathe air. You should have goals and ambitions but you have to enjoy the journey on the way.
I titled the song 'Perceptions' because it is how you feel about things, how you think about things.
In 'Perception' and 'Man of action' I say 'I know who I am', 'I stand alone', 'I can walk away', 'I've been taught to be ready'. Through my experiences throughout life in general, things that have provoked depression, anxiety etc all those things have tied into one. All those lines I have said in those songs shed a light on the fact that I am kind of breaking away from fear. Before I started writing the music I was always 'calculating the if's' I'd find myself being quite submissive. Now I don't have that fear. I too am allowed to say I don't like things a certain way. What I've learnt is to effectively listen and to work out what the best outcome is for everyone.
I have a relationship with God. I pray everyday. I also meditate. I don't have one specific religion I take the positives from all religions.
I'm happy for people to follow me on Instagram- J_Carlyle
Here is some of my poetry:
'Pain.... joy..... Two sides of the same coin Smile on my face to remain poised The pains of growth can be overwhelming to endure And I tried to reassure... myself But life insurance doesnt cover the chronic mental strain Every night I try to keep in between my temples tame Neglect... Walk like I talk on a path where no two steps the same Regrets... More like "what ifs...?" Like if I took a step back Never text back... Counting hypothetical set backs Versus reality... It's all semantics Am I meticulous or pedantic? Is it desire or psychosomatic...? The more change thats acquired it weighs you down Like the snake that rattles...shakes to make noise Pain... joy... Two sides of the same coin'
Good things on the horizon and it all starts from within.
LISTEN TO THE FULL PODCAST ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1WpNNnufTJnerl52ecU1vs?si=Av5PHl-dRfSI0VKvaXLvqg
If you feel that you are experiencing any of what J Carlyle has spoken about please seek help from your nearest GP. There are also other sources which provide help and advice for example:
Mind 0300 123 3011
Rethink 0300 5000 927
Support Line 01708 765200
Also if you feel that you have an experience with regards to mental health that you believe others could relate to then please get in touch.